Fear Of Asking For Help

Fear of asking for help

You: Hi

Stranger: hello

You: We are both interested in mental health

Stranger: indeed

You: what interests you

You: about it

Stranger: burnout, fear of asking for help, nihilism, existentialism and depression

You: interesting.

Stranger: how about you?

You: Ya know, I have figured out some things about psychology and therapy that have helped me a lot and I want to share them with others. Open to giving it a try?

Stranger: yes please

You: Ok cool. In order to do this, we need a topic. It should be something that is on your mind. Could be something that causes anxiety, sadness, or thoughts you don’t want

You: The most pressing thing on your mind is best

Stranger: The most pressing things on my mind are the fear of asking for help and also how to set life targets

You: Ok, fear of asking for help

Stranger: yeah i find it really difficult

You: Ok by the end of this chat, the goal is for that to change

Stranger: thank you so much

You: Ok, when you say fear of asking for help. When you think about asking for help, what thoughts come to mind? what does your mind say about it?

Stranger: Whenever I think of asking someone for help, I think about the potential anger that they might have towards me

You: Ok that is helpful for this exercise to know ^^

You: Anything else? The more you can share about what your mind says and what you think about is helpful

You: increases the chances this works

Stranger: i also have problems with searching for advice on the Internet or for advice that is already published (i.e. documents, books, videos)

Stranger: I used to get so frustrated from not being able to do something that I would then procrastinate tasks

You: Ok and you believe this is all connected to the fear of asking for help, right?

Stranger: yes

You: Ok I have 2 things we can try.

You: If it works, soemthign will click in your mind and you’ll feel better so let me know if that happens. If it doesnt that is ok too we just keep trying

You: So #1

You: Can you think of a time when you were really frustrated you couldn’t do something, maybe you searched the internet, and you finally asked someone for help and they got extremely angry towards you?

You: ^ if this works a memory will come into mind

Stranger: I can think of one time when I searched the Internet for advice on how to solve a math problem, and it helped, but i was extremely frustrated while I did it

You: but no time when someone else got VERY angry with you for asking for help, right?

Stranger: Also, I can think of a time when my brother asked me to search for something, and I couldn’t find it, and he raged

Stranger: when he found it

You: Ok when you think about that thing with your brother does it “click”

You: you should feel something if it does, like its more than just a memory. Or something registered / connected in your mind

You: its ok if not just want to check in on it

Stranger: but this is actually where it gets a bit weird, a few weeks ago, I was coming home from somewhere, and it started to rain heavily (my shoes were dripping wet, my clothes were stuck to my body), and on the way home, I was more worried about the lecture that I was going to get from my family members than the actual rain and wind

Stranger: i did not have a raincoat or umbrella

You: ok so I am assuming no click. Want to try #2

You: Unless you think the above is very connected to the fear? Is the rain story connected?

You: to the fear you are having

You: in some way usually oyu can sense it if it is

Stranger: then a few days later, my brother got caught in the rain as well, without a raincoat or umbrella, and I went to go get him, i had a raincoat and umbrella, and i had no problem with that

Stranger: This is recent

Stranger: but i feel like i have had the fear to ask for help for pretty much my entire life

Stranger: i cannot think of a specific memory

You: Ok let me try door #2

You: Can you think of a time when someone else asked you for help and it frustrated you so much they cannot do it on their own and you felt extreme anger towards the person?

Stranger: no, never

You: Hmm interesting. Ok when you think of the anger you will get from someone towards you, what do you anticipate the anger looking like?

You: like can you describe the fear of how they will be angry towards you?

Stranger: i fear that they will either yell or start shaming (i.e. you should be able to do this without my help)

You: Ok. So if you knew 100% that no one would ever yell or shaem you for asking for help, woudl the fear still be there?

Stranger: no

You: ok so the fear is that someone will yell or start shaming you

Stranger: yeah

You: Ok so lets try a quick turnaround: “I shame myself for asking for help”

You: when you read that, any click?

Stranger: I do sometimes shame myself for asking for help more than the person who I actually ask for help

You: Ok ^^ thats good to realize.

You: Now let me take it a little further. If you imagine the person in your fear shaming and yelling at you, can you see that you may do all of that to yourself?

You: like in your own mind

Stranger: Yeah i can see that, sometimes the reaction from the person is not as bad as I imagine in my head

You: feel like something click?

You: it can be sublte

Stranger: I don’t understand the click

You: its kinda like an “ah ha” or like something you havent thought about before

You: it “clicks”

Stranger: That was something I had not thought about before until the past month or so

You: Ok so sometimes the fear we have of others is really the fear of ourselves

You: so if you are afriad someone will shame you. You may be afraid that you will shame yourself

Stranger: It is interesting you bring this up …

You: And sometimes if you shame yourself for soemthing, you also shame others for that same thing

You: yes what is interesting

Stranger: the other thing that I mentioned was my problem with setting goals

Stranger: I used to set personal targets for school assignments and for sport

Stranger: and I would get stuck

Stranger: and i would get frustrated

Stranger: and recently i have accepted that I have to ask for help in order to achieve these goals

Stranger: then this got me thinking… what is the point of achieving these goals

Stranger: I grew up in a location and in an era where achievements are to be shown off, but if I have to get a bunch of help in order to do it, then there is nothing to really show off

Stranger: or to prove

You: I want to stay focused on this fear of asking for help

Stranger: sorry i got sidetracked

You: one more turnaound: “When I think about asking for help, I think about the anger I might feel towards myself”

Stranger: yeah

You: click?

Stranger: yes

You: youll know if it clicks

You: thats good

You: ok so just reflect on that idea

You: read it a few times

Stranger: i’ve read it 3 times

You: kinda meditate on it. try to process it and reflect on it

You: see how its true

You: see how it shows up

You: sometimes it can feel weird or emotional or sometimes really nice

You: Hows it going?

Stranger: i don’t feel anything

You: do you still feel afraid to ask for help?

Stranger: i have not tried it yet

You: that people may be angry if youdo?

You: sometimes just by thinking about it you can see the relationship has changed

Stranger: usually when i’m about to do it the fear sets in

You: can you search the interent right now for advice

You: see if you feel it?

Stranger: alright i will try

You: but plz come back and let me know. I can wait a few minutes

You: I am curious

Stranger: alright i’ll be back in 5 minutes

You: Ok

Stranger: i’m back

You: hi

Stranger: i asked for help on the Internet on how to reduce upper back pain while running

Stranger: I was looking at the advice on different stretches and having the correct posture

You: did you have the same fear? the anger that someone may feel, etc?

Stranger: I did not really absorb any of the information, the only thought that I had in my mind was “What is the point of knowing this? It doesn’t matter when I run longer or not.” I seem to do this whenever I ask for help or take advice nowadays, I just ask myself what is the point of the advice

Stranger: no anger, no fear

You: ^^^^ wow

You: cool right?

You: Nice work

You: Thanks for giving this a try

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